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August 25, 2012 / Karen R Adams

this is harder than I thought

Did you ever decide you wanted to try something out, and found there was much more involved than you thought there was?  I was thinking about that this morning on my walk.  I realized I hadn’t done a blog post for a while, and was feeling I really should make time for it – which was harder to do than I thought it would be.

Same thing when I decided I wanted to radically change the way I ate, play with my food more, maybe do some juicing.  Do you know how much time it takes to juice?  To plan and make completely different foods?  To make meals?  Hard to do when you’re cooking for one.  Especially if you don’t want to be composting all those great veggies you didn’t eat, though you really had intended to.  This was way more complicated than I thought it would be.

I started trying to remember how many times I must have bumped up against this in the past.   How many times did I start something interesting, with great enthusiasm, and then have that ‘holy cow, this is hard‘ moment (always somehow a shock). Why was it that I could see myself there, at the goal, but never saw all the stuff between where I was and where I wanted to be?

Which times did something change from an interest to a commitment?

Sometimes life itself played a big factor in whether I kept on with something or not.  I went to acupuncture college many years after I had the realization that I really liked this stuff, and the yearning to learn about it and use it.  It was like I planted a small mental seed that grew on its own until I was (seemingly) suddenly free to pursue it, and had the resources to do so.

Other things, like the change in eating, have required a more aware, concerted effort to maintain, a motivation and a commitment that has to be consciously nurtured in order to keep going with it.  I have to remind myself that this is more than something I’m just interested in; it’s something I’m committed to.

I think that’s always been true, and yet it feels easier now than what I remember.  I suspect that’s because I see life differently now.  It’s not so serious, so important.  With that lens, things become joyful experiments, with the process being more important than the result.  I mean, I still enter into some new dance with something I’d like to attain.  Of course I do.  But somehow that end goal has lightened up – a lot.

Maybe that’s why, when I’m surprised by the complexity and effort of some new endeavor, I can laugh at myself – and make the choice to continue or not, not with intensity and seriousness and importance, but with ease and love.

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